lozzereano's Journal

A journal virgin.
well, hi. i haven't done this before, so it might take me a while to get into it. i've been thinking about it for a while, and one of my friends has a journal here, so i thought i'd give it a try. so here i am, a journal virgin.
i don't really know where to start. this will be a short entry, because i'm really tired. it's the end of another long week (i'm at uni) and i need to go to bed. i stayed up most of last night talking on the internet to a friend i haven't seen in a long time. the last time i saw him, he loved me. it was weird talking to him again. weird, but good. i felt special again. i've been going through a rough couple of days with my boyfriend. we've been together for nearly 2 years, and he's the most extraodinary person i've ever met. i love him with everything that i am. he's my best friend, my companion, my lover. i love him more than anything. it's like the kind of love that you read about but never really believe exists. and i have it. but i don't recieve it, not all the time. sometimes he's there, really there, and i feel completely connected to him, but other times he's so far away that i can't even reach him. he doesn't feel as deeply or as passionately as i do, and it makes him doubt how he feels about me. he doesn't talk to me about the important stuff. i wish he would. he opened his heart to me today, well yesterday now, i suppose. it was hard to hear some of the stuff he said, but i'm grateful that he's being honest. i'm giving him time to decide what he wants from this. if he needs it, we'll take take a break from 'us', but not in ross and rachel 'friends' style i hope! we know each other better than anyone, and i really don't know what i'd do if he left me. we've been through all the crazy growing up stuff together, and he's in everything that i do. i've shared so much, and it would be really hard to not share anything anymore. i don't think i could just be his friend; talking to him but not allowed to touch him, or hug him, or kiss him. i don't think i could stand it. our relationship can't help but change now. either it has to grow up, and be really serious, or end. i can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else, but i don't know if he feels the same. i guess i'll find out soon. he'll call this weekend, and we'll see how it goes. we're apart now too. i'm at uni, and he's at home. it's not the actual distance that's a problem, it's just brought out a load of stuff that was already there.
well, i should sleep, it's nearly 1 and i'm exhausted. i'm sure i'll be back in the next couple of days. xx

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